Sunday, February 26, 2006
it's 4AM
I'm drunk
and tired
If I wasn't so tired I'd go upstairs and off a kitten.
i'll do it in the morning
Posted by drunkbh ::
3:58:00 AM ::
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Friday, February 24, 2006
Spay, Neuter or Masturbate?
Should you spay or neuter your cat to decrease the amount of unwanted animals? There is another solution. We can all thank
Jungle Jane for the idea....Or at least giving me the idea. It seems that every time you masturbate, a kitten dies. That being said, it would probably be a good idea to never spay or neuter your cat. They could be at risk of extinction. I personally am responsible for the deaths of at least two innocent kittens last week alone.
The public needs to be made aware of this catastrophe in the making. All personal sexual device boxes should contain a warning such as "May cause death in felines." Every lotion bottle should contain a similar warning.
On the upside, men that jerk off can take great delight in knowing that they really are fucking a pussy.
**I know this is sick and twisted but it amused the hell out of me**
Posted by drunkbh ::
12:35:00 PM ::
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Wednesday, February 22, 2006
Morons
Rarely do I read news that infuriates me so much that I feel the need to rant about it here but that all changed yesterday. Even when New Orleans mayor, Ray Nagin, called for rebuilding a Chocolate City I was not even mildly irritated at his racist comments. I was more amused at his stupidity at making such an idiotic public statement. However, Rev Fred Phelps and his Westboro Baptist Church displays of inhumanity pissed me off so much that I now understood why some people should be sterilized at birth. Rev. Phelps leads a group that protests the funerals of soldiers that have been killed in battle. His message is that America is a country that supports homosexuality and that God is killing these soldiers as retaliation. They say that the IED, improvised explosive device, is the sword of God. Really, I thought it was a fucking bomb. These people carry signs to the funerals that read "Fag soldier in hell" and "Thank God for IEDs." They also held a protest at the funerals of the 12 miners that were killed holding similar signs, "Fag miner in hell." Maybe they should read the Quran to see why these bombing are really happening. They might be shocked to know that they would also be considered one of the infidels that these bombs are directed at. This church/cult is not sanctioned by another larger church. That's no surprise. Also, it is made up mainly of Rev Phelps' family(inbreeding might explain this.)
There is a group that has formed to counteract these idiots. They call themselves the Patriot Guard Riders. Basically they form a wall between the protestors and the mourners. They travel across the country to help these families. This group was formed after a group of American Legion Riders learned of one the protests at a soldiers funeral. It mainly consists of veterans and bikers. This group should be commended for seeing a wrong being committed and actively doing something to prevent it. I know where my donations will be sent this year.
I hope that when Rev. Phelps dies ( the sooner the better) people protest at his funeral holding signs that read "False prophet in hell."
You can read the full story here. I also found the church's website but I refuse to link it because I don't want to raise their page rank with even a single link.
Posted by drunkbh ::
10:55:00 AM ::
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Monday, February 20, 2006
I don't even know what holiday it was today but I was off. I think it was President's Day but honestly I don't give a shit. I've been in a pissy mood for the past few days. I did go to the concert Thursday. It was fanfuckingtabulous. I debated not going because I felt guilty having a good time when one of my friends just passed away. Then, I thought that she would want me to go. She wouldn't have wanted any of us to put our lives on hold. Also, my way of dealing with stress is to avoid it. If I don't think about it, it won't bother me. It sounds juvenille but it gets me over the humps.
I want to give you a few highlights from the concert. I'll wait until I get the pictures to give the full details.
- We waited an hour in line just to get in the door. This was with tickets! The show was sold out.
- We were directly in front of the stage. My specialty seems to be finding the perfect place in the pit.
- Victor almost got kicked out. He decided to pick a fight with the head of security. Actually, he was doing his job. He told the dude to leave us alone because he kept hitting on Amy and I. And he was fucking nasty.
- The host of the concert was a dude that I've seen on Ripleys. He put a drill in his nose. He put a condom in his nose and pulled it out his mouth. Also, his entire body was tattood like a snake. His teeth were filled down so that they were pointed and he had horns surgically implanted under his skin. Every time he shoved something in his nose I heard a lot of girls going "Eeewwwwww!" I was screaming "That's fucking awesome!"
Why does Disturbed kick ass? David Draiman, the lead singer, was telling people to download the new album if they couldn't buy it. It's nice to see a group that are more concerned with people knowing their music rather than getting paid...***Cough***Metallica***Cough***
Posted by drunkbh ::
11:40:00 PM ::
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Thursday, February 16, 2006
...............
My friend died a few hours ago. She has been fighting cancer for the past two years. She lost her battle at noon today. Everyone thought that she was doing better and she would beat it. Why are the good people taken from us and we are left with the assholes and morons that really deserve it?
Posted by drunkbh ::
4:26:00 PM ::
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Countdown
In exactly 5 hours I will be at the Disturbed concert. It should be interesting to see what time and in what condition I get home.... especially considering that I have to be at work at 8am tomorrow morning. I'm not sure if I'm going to get in trouble or cause it. Hopefully both. Oh yeah..... If I had a dick, blogger can suck it! It took me 20 minutes to get on today and it keeps booting me off.
Posted by drunkbh ::
2:05:00 PM ::
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Tuesday, February 14, 2006
Question of the day
Question of the day
What would you do with an unlimited supply of money? I'm not talking about the material things that you would buy. We would all buy a house, car, yacht, plane, jewelry.......I want to know the weird stuff.... The ridiculous just because I can things that only a shitload of money can provide.
Answers from work
A personal ball washer
A hitman (ouch)
A vibrating massage table with a dozen hotties to massage my body at the same time (Mine)
A person to massage my head all day ( Mine's better)
Posted by drunkbh ::
2:03:00 PM ::
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Monday, February 13, 2006
My pet is now 21
My pet is now officailly legal. Akuma, Rude, Colenzo, Viczilla or Victor (Whatever name he's using at the time) turned 21 today. He's lucky that blogger isn't working correctly today otherwise I would have posted a real cute picture of him and a stuffed animal. Right now, I can't get any pictures to post. Lucky bastard!
Posted by drunkbh ::
12:33:00 PM ::
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Friday, February 10, 2006
I have a little issue that I've been dealing with for a while. Technically, they are two issues that relate to each other. Men need to learn when and WHERE they can approach a woman. If I am at a bar, I expect men to hit on me. I would prefer to get a better quality of men but regardless, I know it's going to happen. For instance, take nutsack boy who assumed that just by asking I would put my name and number in his cell. Considering his cockiness, I'm surprised he didn't ask for a blowjob since he just assumed that I was going to say yes to whatever he asked.
There are, however, places that you should not (in my opinion) hit on a woman.
1- At the gym. A absolutely fucking detest men hitting on me at the gym. I give myself 60 fucking seconds between sets. Don't fuck up my rhythm. Why is the gym such a meat market? It gives me the creeps when they hover around especially on the lying leg curl. I wear my Ipod so that I don't have to act like I hear them. Also, I avoid eye contact at all costs. I won't even take any friends to the gym with me because I don't want to take the time out to try and converse with them. I'm planning on making little hand-held signs. I really only need one. It's going to read "Get the fuck away from me!"
2- At work. I get it at least once a week. Some asswipe feels the necessity to ask me out while I am at work. The latest was my favorite. A teller brings me a check and asks me if I remember the name. Of course I don't. She tells me that he said I should know who he is because I did a home equity for him a few months ago. I haven't did a home equity in about 2 years. Asswipe then comes over and acts all upset because I don't remember him. He won't fucking leave my desk. The problem with this is that he is a customer so I have to be nice. I can't exactly tell him to fuck off. He kept saying "I don't see a ring." That's right folks. I must be creaming my pants to go out with him just because he doesn't see a ring. I didn't see a ring on him but I know that he was married. He couldn't hide the fact that his wife's name was directly under his on his check. Note to men: Don't be stupid enough to date a woman that has total control over your money especially if you are married to someone else.
I realize that a lot of women actually welcome this kind of shit. I wouldn't even mind if men took a fucking hint the first time around. I just seem to attract the kind of man that thinks I have "I'm in desperate need of a good fuck." tattooed on my forehead.
Posted by drunkbh ::
8:22:00 AM ::
23 comments
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Tuesday, February 07, 2006
Just another day at the office
I've been the closing manager at the bank this week. Basically all the other managers leave at 4:30 and I leave at 6:45 or 7:00 or whenever the fuck we get done. The good thing about being the closing manager is that it starts to die down later in the day and the conversations start to get good. Besides the vibrator conversation that has been ongoing for about two weeks now, we started another perverted question for the employees. It started out innocently, as they usually do, but evolved into something better. We were talking about pissing (don't know why that was brought up.) Vic asked if I could pee in a bottle. Hell no! I have a hard enough time peeing in those cups they give you at the doctors. I said I could piss in a bottle if I was a man because would have something to aim with, basically a hose. This, of course, led me to my "I want a dick for a day" conversation. He asked me what I would do with a dick for a day. I told him I would masturbate all day. He then procedes to tell me that it is impossible to masturbate all day. I think differently. I know that my limit for having sex is 8 times in one day.....And, I can't go past 8 hours straight (I've only met one man that could.) I don't see why I couldn't masturbate all day if I had a dick.
It eventually led into "How much masturbation is too much?" My theory is that you stop when you start to get sore. If you use a good lube that will take a long time. Silicone based is better than water based even though it's bad for vibrators.
These were our mindless ponderings for the day.....besides me telling Slutgirl that her man wasn't screaming her name last night. It was really an echo from when he was going down on her.
Vic, this is the concert shirt I was talking about. I wasn't lying. 9 more days......
Mudvayne
Posted by drunkbh ::
11:12:00 PM ::
30 comments
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Sunday, February 05, 2006
"Hangover Sunday"
I'm going to start a trend. Sunday's posts will now be titled "Hangover Sunday." I always go out Saturday night. I'm always hungover Sunday. I miss the days when I could drink all night, go to bed at 6am, wake up at 9am and still feel great the next day. I had 4 Coronas and 3 shots last night. I have no fucking idea what the shots were. I didn't buy them. I learned years ago that I can't mix beer and liquor but it's just too damn hard to pass up free alcohol especially when I'm already buzzed.
I'm starting another trend. It will be titled "Saturday's Loser." It doesn't matter who I go out with. I always attract the loser of the night. The kind of guy that you might be interested in if you were deaf, dumb and blind.... Or in some parallel universe.
This Saturday's Loser= Dumbass walks up to me and asks me if I like to just go out and have a good time. Well....Duh! I'm in a fucking bar retard! He then hands me his phone and tells me to put my name and number in it. My response was "You're joking right?" No, he was serious. His next line was "You have beautiful eyebrows." What the fuck??? Eyebrows? It's funny he was so enthralled with my eyebrows but he hardly even looked above my neck. Finally, I had to say "Dude, it will NEVER happen. Goodbye." Did I mention the fact that he was shorter than me? I'm 5'4". He also had the strangest hair I've ever seen. Add that to the fact that his nose was shaped like a banana. Basically, his head looked like a huge nutsack with a small dick in the middle. I won the award for attracting the biggest loser last night by attracting a 5' tall nutsack.
Last Saturday's Loser= I have to back it up to last Saturday because this guy was the one that gave me the idea of Saturday's Loser. I caught this dipshit's attention walking into the club. As we were walking I hear a guy say "I'm in heaven." I look to my right and see the guy from Deliverance. He was definitely a sight with his long stringy hair and his two front teeth. Yes, I said two. There might have been another tooth or two somewhere. Next, he bumps my arm and says "I'm in love." My response was "That's nice." That wasn't the end of it. Two seconds later, he bumps me again and says "Did you know that I'm an ancient Cherokee warrior?" This one actually amused me. I stopped walking, turned to him and said "Really? So am I. What a coincidence." This seemed to amuse the hell out of his because he then produced the biggest smile on his face I've ever seen. It was then that I confirmed that, yes, there were only two teeth. My friends thought this was hilarious. I will give the guy an A for creativity. That was a line I've never heard before. Also, he walked away on his own accord. That also deserves an A.
Now, on to the bitches I went out with last night. We were supposed to meet at a local bar at 8. This is just too damn early for me. I called them around 8:30 and told them I would be there in an hour. The note below is what I was given when I showed up at 10:00.
I should mention the fact that my cell was dead. I had to drive back to my house so that I could call the cunts and ask them where they were. I don't remember anybody's fucking cell so I couldn't call from the bar. I hope these bitches know that revenge is sweet. If they don't know, they will soon.
Posted by drunkbh ::
1:52:00 PM ::
19 comments
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Thursday, February 02, 2006
Today
Alice in Chains
Would
I heard this song on my way to work this morning and on my way home for lunch. Would I? Hell yeah!
Posted by drunkbh ::
1:24:00 PM ::
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I should mention the fact that my cell was dead. I had to drive back to my house so that I could call the cunts and ask them where they were. I don't remember anybody's fucking cell so I couldn't call from the bar. I hope these bitches know that revenge is sweet. If they don't know, they will soon.