Dirty Blonde

Dirty Blonde

Tuesday, January 31, 2006

Snowflake

I met you in the summer of '04

I first thought of you as a bitch

I later learned you were a whore

I promised Snowflake that I would dedicate a post to her. I have learned a few things about her since I first met her. Snowflake has the biggest set of balls I've ever seen on a woman. They are so fuckin' big that she needs to sling them around her neck in order to be able to walk around. Snowflake also has more plastic inserted into various parts of her body than should be humanly possible. By now, she probably owns 90% of the stock in Rubbermaid. Snowflake doesn't know how to do anything. To her credit, she freely admits that she's an imbecile.

I will admit that Snowflake is a lot of fun to go out with. Once, we talked a guy into putting our camera down his pants and taking a picture. Men, if you are asked to do this, please make sure that everything is trimmed before agreeing. I'm still not sure if his dick was just that small or if there was just too much winter-bush blocking the view. We got duplicates of that shit. Speaking of cameras, Snowflake thought it would be fun to take a picture of me taking a piss at the bar restroom. She held the camera over the stall door and took the picture. That film has yet to be developed since I have possession of it.

Snowflake also can't spell worth a shit. Last week, I found cancer sticks written on my cigarettes. Here's the conversation.

Me: VIC!!!! (Thinking that he was the one that did it.)

Snowflake: That was me.

Me: really? I didn't think it was you because it was spelled correctly.

Snowflake: Actually, I did screw up. I forgot the T in stick. It just didn't look right. Then I realized what it was.

I wish this conversation was a joke but it's not. Bitch can't spell.

Snowflake has horrible taste in men. Her last man lasted 17 seconds to 2 minutes maximum. Can you believe that shit? How can a man that is out of his teens blow his wad that soon? That would be just enough to piss me off. I'd tell the little bastard to get down there and finish the job.

Snowflake, I guess the real question is what cock are you sucking to keep this job?

Posted by drunkbh :: 5:59:00 PM :: 23 comments

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Monday, January 30, 2006

WTF????

How the hell do you skull fuck someone? I've been wondering this since someone said that would skull fuck any chick when they are drunk.

Favorite conversations of last week.

1- A co-worker was talking about the guy that she has recently been dating. We call him The Pharmacist. He works as a concierge in a hotel and drives a $60,000.00 car.

Her- The only problem is his dick.
Me- Really? Too small?
Her- No. He's not circumcised.
Me- Oh. What's the problem?
Her- Every time I hold it, I feel like I'm gonna pull the skin off. It just keeps going. It looks like a tube-worm.

2- We were discussing that someone really needs to get laid because they were way too tense but their boyfriend was holding out because he was pissed off at her. I told her to buy a vibrator if he doesn't want to take care of it. We then started discussing which to buy when another co-worker walked up.

Co-worker 1- What's up?
Co-worker 2- Do you own a toy?
Co-worker 1- EEEWWWWW NO!(with a disgusted look on her face)....2 seconds later.... Yeah but I don't like it. It's all ridged.

Posted by drunkbh :: 1:17:00 PM :: 27 comments

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Friday, January 27, 2006

Special Delivery

I got a special delivery today. 3 of the most beautiful pieces of paper I have ever seen.

HELL YEAH

Vic, here's the deal. You promise to get us up front and will wear the "Sex, Drug and Rock-N-Roll" shirt. I promise you there will be a fight that you so desire.

Now this is totally my type of man: David Draiman....ummmmmm....hmmmmm!

Disturbed

Prayer

Posted by drunkbh :: 12:00:00 AM :: 10 comments

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Thursday, January 26, 2006

I'm a clutz

Typing is fun right now because I fell down my stairs. My right arm caught the railing and it is now a lovely shade of purplish-blue. I wish I could say that this was the first time I fell down the stairs...or even the second....or even the worst. Once, I fell down them so hard that when I hit the floor I slid across the room and into my panty door.

I wish there was a clumsiness contest because I would win it by a landslide.

Right now, I need a Vicodin to ease the pain or at least to get me high. Either way, I'll be happy.

Posted by drunkbh :: 8:31:00 AM :: 18 comments

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Wednesday, January 25, 2006

I got tagged in just the right place.

I've been tagged by Flamingo1. This came as a total shock. Normally, when I get tagged, I like to tell them where to tag me but this time I had no forewarning. Oh well. You take what you can get.

I will now tell you 5 things that are weird about me.

1- I asked several people what they thought and I got one universal answer, my behavior while drinking. While most women get horny when they drink, I don't even want to think about having sex then. There is a simple reason for this. No orgasm on achohol. No need to bother if no orgasm. Also, after 6 beers I'm ready for bed(my bed...alone.) I won't drink liquor of any kind. Liquor turns Drunk Bitch into Drunk Arrogant Aggressive Puking Bitch.

2- My taste in music. I have never met a woman that has the same taste in music as I do. If the band doesn't have a ton of tattoos, piercings & some type of drug habit, I won't listen to them. This would not be strange if I was.... say... a man. I like my music hard just like my.....

3- My eating habits. I know I've posted about this before. I eat like a 3 year old. I eat one thing at a time until it's gone and my foods are not allowed to touch. Last night I had steak, spinach and mashed potatoes. I kept titling my plate because the juice from my steak was getting in my potatoes. I couldn't eat the part of the potatoes that were contaminated with the steak juice.

4- All my limbs are double-jointed. I can pull my fingers backwards so that they touch my forearm. I can lock my hands behind my back and bring them over my head to my front, still locked. Go ahead, try it. That shit's hard. My can take my hand and twist it 180 degrees and lay it flat. My elbow looks freaky when I do that. And yes, I can put my legs behind my head.

5- I have yet to date a man that can out eat me. What can I say? I like food.

Since I usually get about a 50% response on my taggings, I tagging all of your asses.

Posted by drunkbh :: 12:34:00 AM :: 22 comments

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Sunday, January 22, 2006

$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$

The Florida Lottery was at 50 million dollars and one lucky bastard won it. Did I mention that ONE person won it? My only hope now is that the lottery pool at the bank picked the lucky number. I will have no issues whatsoever sharing 50 million with 20 people. More than likely, I will be spending the rest of next week in servitude to the elderly rather than driving up to Tallahassee to collect my winnings. I'm getting sick of working with these old fuckers. Before this job, I believed that you should always respect your elders. We do have some real sweethearts but for the most part these fuckers should be institutionalized.
Examples
Customer- Why did my check bounce?
Me- Because there was not enough funds in the account.
Customer- Why didn't you call me?
Me- I'm sorry but unfortunately we have thousands of checks that bounce and we just cannot call everyone.
What I want to say- Because I'm not your fucking mother. If you balanced your fucking checkbook, this shit wouldn't happen, you fucking moron!
Customer- This is the banks fault. They should know that I make a deposit every Friday. That check should not have bounced.
Me- I'm sorry sir but we do not monitor you deposit activity.
What I want to say- So what you're saying is that you want to blame us because you're writing checks when you have no money in the bank. You know, a smart person would make a deposit and then write their checks. It's just a thought but you might want to think about it..... DUMBASS!
Customer- Well, I'm not paying that fee. It's not my fault.
Me- I'm sorry but the overdraft fee has already been charged to your account.
What I want to say- Like you have a fucking choice. We've already got the money. And... Because you're such an ignorant asshole, there is no way in hell that I'm going to refund it. So... Blow it out your ass!

In reality, I would have to refund the fee because the bigger the asshole, the more likely they are to complain to corporate. I'm sure you know how that goes. Shit rolls downhill.

I had another fun situation which gave me a little more latitude....A non-customer. These are usually the biggest assholes and the beauty is that I don't have to kiss their ass because they are NON-CUSTOMERS. A man comes into the bank claiming that he is the new President of a condo association and that he needs to change the names on all the accounts. He then proceeds to tell us that none of the old signers can come in to authorize it.

Here's the rundown on what we need to change names on a business:

At least one of the current signers must be present to authorize the change.
Minutes of the meeting from the business stating the changes requested.
All new signers must be present at the time to make the change.

What did this dipshit have? Nothing! He tells us that the old signers can't come in because they are not allowed to have anything else to do with it. (What he means is that they got in a fight and the old signers got voted out and none of them are speaking.) He also tells us that the new signers are too busy to come in. (Has this fucking yuckster even heard of The Patriot Act? If a bank doesn't positively ID a customer it's their ass on the line.) He had no fucking idea what minutes were. (This one I could have let slide. Minutes can be written at any time on anything.)

In the end, he left screaming that he was going to close all the account if we didn't do it for him. Really?????? Let's see...... You're not authorized to transact on an account but you are going to close it? Lets see how you accomplish that one Houdini!

Pray for me that we won. If we won, I will still work there long enough to get the money. I will also make sure to piss off every customer that even looks at me crossways.

If we didn't win the lottery, this is dedicated to the person that did.

Godsmack

I Fucking Hate You

Posted by drunkbh :: 11:29:00 PM :: 24 comments

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Thursday, January 19, 2006

I was caught red handed... Actually white boobied.

I decided to provide photographic evidence of what I like now to call 'Barssiere Gate.' Can you see a bra in the first picture? No...... Neither can I. Good luck.... Bad lighting...... Whatever the hell caused it. I'm not complaining. Do you notice Slutgirl on the left? Did she really need a black bra? Wouldn't it have made more sense to have her wear the white one and let me wear the black one.? I hope you know that I will own the black bra when you get them taken out next month. No good deed goes unpunished.

Slutgirl and I decided to take a crack at artistic photography in the bathroom of a bar. By this point I was trashed. She had quit drinking by this point and seemed content watching me be a bitch. That's what I'm good at when I drink.

Here's the prize shot. Do you see the white bra? Yeah....Me too. The sad thing is that I wore this out again before I got the pictures back. FYI- It is not a nipple you see on the other breast as Vic claims. It's a fucking crease in the shirt. If it was, you would see both of them and I would have something else to make fun of myself about.

All in all, if you can't make fun of yourself then you need to get a fucking life. I think I'll start selling off my party pictures to the highest bidder......Except the toilet shot. Not gonna happen SG! Ever!

Stabbing Westward

Save Yourself

Posted by drunkbh :: 10:31:00 PM :: 29 comments

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What the fuck?

I was reading PostSecret today and came across an interesting postcard that said "I am so sexually inhibited I wear a male chastity belt." I didn't even know these things exist. It came with an interesting picture of one as well. This was just too much for me. I had to check it out.

There seems to be quite a fetish for male chastity belts. I'm not sure what to say about them. Seeing is believing.

This little beauty is the small version. I'm not sure what man would willingly buy anything small that related to their dick even if they needed it.

This is a chastity tube. It looks more like a water faucet to me. I can't help but think what would come out the bottom if you turned the lock on the top.

There were much, much worse pictures than this but I was trying to keep it semi-clean. Plus, some of the male models they use for these could put John Holmes to shame.

Posted by drunkbh :: 2:29:00 AM :: 22 comments

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Tuesday, January 17, 2006

Why?

Why do people ask for advice yet never listen when it's given? They keep going back to the same old shit over and over again. Everybody and their fucking mother comes to me for relationship advice but not a single person ever actually listens. Yeah, I'm the friend that WILL tell you I told you so not "Oh, you poor baby."

DB's dating rules

If someone tells you not to call, don't fucking call them!
Don't let your world revolve around who you are fucking. It's just an orgasm. With enough practice, you can achieve the same results by yourself.
If someone tells you to figure out yourself why they are mad, it means that it's so fucking petty that they are too embarrassed to admit what they problem is.
Don't obsess over an asshole. You know when you are dating an asshole. This needs no further explanation.
Don't obsess over what you did wrong. It's already done. And... Who says that it was your fault in the first place?
Don't obsess over what someone thinks about you. Who gives a shit what someone else thinks about you? If they can't accept you, then someone else can.
Don't obsess period. Why stress yourself over something that you can't change? Basically, get the fuck over it!
If you can't enjoy the situation, you shouldn't be there.

I'm sorry. I just don't get it. I see so many people letting another control their every action, their every thought. If someone makes you feel that bad about yourself, GOODBYE! As you can see, I'm real fun to date. I don't take shit from anyone and I do whatever I feel like.

This is for Amy, not that she'll listen....Dumbass!

Posted by drunkbh :: 10:39:00 PM :: 30 comments

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Monday, January 16, 2006

South Florida

Why do I love South Florida? They have the BEST fucking concerts down here. I'll be seeing Disturbed next month and now I found out that there is another killer concert coming to town.

Global Gathering Music Festival
Nine Inch Nails- I will finally get to see them.
Rob Zombie
Avenged Sevenfold
Shinedown
Plus...... Too damn many to name. It's like Ozzfest only better. I'll be in a musical euphoria for the next two months. Maybe it's a musical orgasm. I'm not sure how to classify it.

On another note, I know I'm asking for it with this one but I couldn't help myself. Play along if you like. If not, I don't care. I've seen several people do this one and the stories are hilarious. Don't worry about offending, like you really would care. BJ and I ended up with some strange VD and tattoos on our asses already.

Please post a comment with a COMPLETELY MADE UP AND FICTIONAL memory of you and me. It can be anything you want - good or bad - BUT IT HAS TO BE FAKE. When you're finished, post this little paragraph on your blog and be surprised (or mortified) about what people DON'T ACTUALLY remember about you! You've got free reign. Start your sentence "Remember when you and I...."

Please remember that you asked for this.....

The Art Of Snelching
Snelching is a technique used by long term cocaine users to rid themselves of their opiate addiction. Snelching was developed from its cousin, felching, and is similar in that involves the suction of semen, excrement and/or other fluids from a person's rectum. Rather than sucking these fluids out of the rectum through a straw, they are instead snorted out by placing the straw in the nostril.

***I found this educational snelching information here***

Posted by drunkbh :: 3:09:00 PM :: 23 comments

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Sunday, January 15, 2006

I never win.

Why can't I be #1 just once? I check out my stats today and the closest I came was #4.

Here's what people were looking for when they found me:

All chick no dick. I came in 4th on this one.
Everything girl. I came in 6th on this one.
Dirty pictures. I came in 9th here.
Dirty girl. I came in 7th..... I should have been much higher here.
Fucking ten years old girl. I came in 4th. I'm sorry I even made that one.
Snelching. I gave up looking for where I came in on this one but I would like to congratulate Danny for making 1st place here.

Yeah, I know it's stupid but this shit amuses the hell out of me. I need something to make me feel better. I think I'll listen to a little Chris Cornell. Damn, I love his voice.

Audioslave

Posted by drunkbh :: 9:43:00 PM :: 14 comments

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Friday, January 13, 2006

Spammers

I have found a new technique that spammers are using. They are going back to old posts and spamming them. Most people don't check to see if they got any comments on posts that are 2 months old. I don't check that far back. I rarely check to see if I got comments the previous post. The only reason that I caught this new spam scam was because I started having my comments sent to my e-mail. I did this because my bank blocked blogger. I'm too damn addicted to go all day with getting my blogger fix.

Anyways, I want to credit the asstard that came up with this idea. Don't worry Scott (http://saedwards.blogspot.com/) . I've got plans for your ass. Spam is still spam even if you cover it with a blog.

Posted by drunkbh :: 7:59:00 PM :: 28 comments

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Thursday, January 12, 2006

Thank you Slutgirl!!!!

I want to thank Slutgirl for New Years Eve. I want to thank her for telling me that the white bra won't show under the black shirt. I want to thank her for buying a camera that shows just how well the white bra doesn't show under the black shirt. I want to thank her for taking all the pictures that shows how well the bra doesn't show through my shirt.

Thank you Slutgirl. Thank you for my New Years Eve fashion faux pas and FUCK YOU!

FYI- I have to admit that the bra normally didn't show. The camera just seemed to bring the white out in all it's glory.

Posted by drunkbh :: 2:50:00 PM :: 16 comments

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Wednesday, January 11, 2006

Today sucks!!!!

I can't even say today. This week sucks. Let me count the reasons.

1- I've been sick. ... throwing up sick.

2- I had to write up one of my friends.

3- I'm wrong. I had to write up TWO of my friends.

4- I got in troulble because my tellers are getting bad scores on their surveys. (We call customers and ask them how their experience was.)

5- Somebody hit my car. I noticed this today as I was leaving for work sick.

6- Did I mention that I am still sick?

At this point, I don't give a fuck.

Posted by drunkbh :: 3:56:00 PM :: 18 comments

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Thursday, January 05, 2006

Christmas Party 2005

Wait.... I'm not allowed to sat that. It was the "End of year celebration." Whatever it was, it took Amy a month to get me the pictures. Also, she bought a cheap disposable camera so the pictures turned out like shit.

Amy looks too funny here not to post even though she told me not to. I think she's trying to do the Dio horns. The funny thing is that I don't think she even knows who Dio is.

Here I am. I decided to go without a shaw. What can I say? I'm a slut.... Not really. I just didn't feel like carrying that damn thing around all night.

I am the only person in this picture that had enough sense to change clothes before we hit the clubs. I did have to change in the car on the way there but it was soooooo worth it. Sorry, there are no pictures of me changing. I had control of the camera at that time.

Posted by drunkbh :: 12:55:00 PM :: 35 comments

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Tuesday, January 03, 2006

How I spent my Monday

For some reason I was at it again yesterday. I blame it all on Joan who got me a gift card from Sephora. I just couldn't let it go to waste. I should explain that I hardly ever buy makeup from them even though that's what they are knopwn for. The last actual makeup that I bought was a blush and gloss combo from Nars named Multiple Orgasms. How could I resist that? I usually buy soaps, shampoos & lotions from them. I haven't used a drug store bought product on my body in years. It's my one big indulgence. Okay...... Its' one of my big indulgences. It seems that Victorias's Secret was having a nice sale..... Another thing I can't resist is lingerie.

The rest of my day was spent watching the television. Since I hardly ever watch TV, I ended up watching Discovery Health all day. It was a marathon of Plastic Surgery: Before & After. I saw a lot of breast augmentations, breast lifts with implants, tummy tucks, neck lifts and liposuction. After watching that all day I pray that I grow old gracefully. They also had a lot of whole body lifts. This is done when people lose a lot of weight. Their skin has been stretched out so far that it won't come back. Their bodies look like Shar-Peis. The doctor basically cuts all the excess skin off and sews the ends together. I commend these people on losing all the weight but if I ever get that big I hope someone shoots me. Yeah.... have body issues especially with my own. I think all women do. Will I cover myself up and never go out because of it? Hell no! I'll just hit the gym more. I don't want to be on some show where they are pulling my face back and cutting off parts of my skin.

Anyhoo..... Let's see if I have a more productive day today.

Posted by drunkbh :: 1:12:00 PM :: 22 comments

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